Strange poems, weird rhymes, weird poems and strange rhymes

The following weird poems have been written by me over the past few years, usually at moments of heightened excitement or immense boredom. Mostly the latter.

The worm can turn
The worm can turn;
Haven't you heard?
When you think upon it
It seems absurd.
Worms can turn near,
Worms can turn far,
It really depends
On where they are.
Worms are turning
Everywhere.
One might be turning
In your hair.
Worms in an apple
Find turning hell:
'Cause apples are hard,
They can't turn very well.

Moose
A moose is like a bull on stilts
With a silly kind of head.
And if one of them sat on you
You'd probably be dead.

They grow to 7 feet in height,
Or something rather near,
And if you threw beer onto them
Then they would smell of beer.

Un-Vegetarian
Oh, I'm an un-vegetarian:
I love to eat real meat.
I'd rather eat a roasted lamb
Than stuff that's made of wheat.

I shape my beef as carrots,
Make chicken look like peas;
I flavor it to taste like them
To hide carnivorous needs.

Turtle
Last night I saw a turtle;
It looked like a grenade.
I picked it up and threw it.
No explosion was made.

Pot Smoker (to the tune of 'Big Spender')
The minute you walked in with a joint,
I could tell that you were high on some resin; a real pot smoker.
Good deal; well refined.
You look like that stuff blew your mind.
So let me get right to the point:
I don't flip with normal passive smoke I breathe.
Hey, pot smoker!
Smoke a little pot with me.

Reincarnation?
If reincarnation really is true,
Not lies made by a deceiver,
Then why does nobody ever remember
A life where they were an amoeba?

Worms
Worms are skinny,
Worms are fat,
They live in the ground,
They live in the cat.
Some can swim;
None can fly.
Chop them in half
And they multiply.
They have no legs,
They cannot frown,
They don't have necks,
And they can't sit down.
To sum up their use
In a few choice words:
They aerate the soil
And feed the birds.

Once 'upon' a time
Once upon a time,
There sat
A rather small,
Demented cat.

It choked upon a prawn
One night,
And toppled off the time
In fright.

Flattened
The story that is told
By a severely flattened toad,
Is of evidential failure
In attempts to cross the road.

The bee
A bee flew by
And hit my eye,
Yesterday, at twelve.
I wish it had been quicker,
As I can't think of anything to rhyme with twelve.

Lamentation for the snail I accidentally stepped upon
Thou dost creep within the night;
Damp ground and air to aid thy flight.
The darkness keepeth thee from sight
While on my lettuce thou dost bite
And drape with slime.

But thou hast crept too stealthily;
And was not this the death of thee?
For though it was too dark to see,
A noise could have prevented me
From crushing thee last night.

Oh dear...
The ending of the floor
Has caught me unawares.
This must be the reason
Why I'm falling down the stairs.

Capital Sounds
Who could have thought that here
Such delight can be found?
On the causeway of St. Michael's Mount:
Where cars run over whelks
And make such splendid popping sounds.

Tortoise
Have you ever sniffed a tortoise,
Or tasted one that's fried?
Of course you might have said you did,
But then you might have lied.

Exuberance
There's no spectacle, I'm sure,
That can fill a man with glee,
Such as forty plastic pelicans
Floating in the sea.

Wasp
O wasp upon my window sill,
How dull thy once dread sting!
Thy presence brought foreboding
Of the pain which thou couldst bring;
And this caused me to cudgel thee,
Thou wretched, wretched thing.

Malaria
I am a protozoa:
Behold my polar rings!
I luncheon on red blood cells,
And do some wicked things.

I am Apicomplexan,
A parasitic breed.
You know me as malaria,
And I am vile indeed.

Dead flies
Dead flies
Window currents
Once had headaches from
Misunderstanding of glass

Without buzz
Blown away
With the breeze
Too late the window opened

Black things
Crunchy things
Filthy things
I'll fetch the vacuum cleaner

Chickens
Chickens look peculiar,
They feed on worms and seed,
We eat so many of them
It's a wonder they can breed.

They scratch and cluck and peck all day,
Or sit there laying eggs,
They haven't got the faintest clue
That people eat their legs.

Chickens are all feathery,
They strut about with pride,
You couldn't eat a raw one,
But they're great Kentucky-fried.

Although chickens have got wings,
No-one lets them fly,
Instead we make them run around
'Cause we like chicken thigh.

Chickens in the chicken-hut,
Chickens in the yard,
You can eat most of them,
But their beaks are pretty hard.

Monkeys
On safari out in Africa,
When I was just a child,
We shot a monkey every day;
It used to drive them wild.

"May I shoot a monkey?"
Was what everybody said.
One couldn't find another
Who did not want monkeys dead.

But when one shoots a monkey
One should really comprehend:
That monkeys don't like being shot,
It drives them 'round the bend.

So after several months of
Shooting monkeys every day,
We realised quite suddenly
We'd blown the lot away.

Far and wide we searched for some,
But, alas, all were dead.
And we didn't have a thing to do
So we shot frogs instead.

Dipping one's toe in the worm nest
Do worms have their own worm law?
Do they squeal, shriek or roar?
Are their nests of fluff or straw?
And do they have a bathroom door?

Have you seen a real worm nest?
Dipped your toe in for a test?
Would they welcome such a guest?
Or would they just be unimpressed?

When near the worm nest please beware.
Where you are treading have a care.
Ask the worms and they'll declare:
One should not dip one's toe in there.

Accidents can come in handy
An elephant squashed a monkey,
Over by the tree.
It nonchallantly sat on him;
Fiddle de diddle de dee.

"Whoops", said the elephant;
I didn't know he was there.
Although, he'll do quite nicely
As a little furry chair.

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	Strange poems, weird rhymes, weird poems and strange rhymes The following weird poems have been written by me over the past few years, usually at moments of heightened excitement or immense boredom. Mostly the latter. The worm can turn The worm can turn; Haven't you heard? When you think upon it It seems absurd. Worms can turn near, Worms can turn far, It really depends On where they are. Worms are turning Everywhere. One might be turning In your hair. Worms in an apple Find turning hell: 'Cause apples are hard, They can't turn very well. Moose A moose is like a bull on stilts With a silly kind of head. And if one of them sat on you You'd probably be dead. They grow to 7 feet in height, Or something rather near, And if you threw beer onto them Then they would smell of beer. Un-Vegetarian Oh, I'm an un-vegetarian: I love to eat real meat. I'd rather eat a roasted lamb Than stuff that's made of wheat. I shape my beef as carrots, Make chicken look like peas; I flavor it to taste like them To hide carnivorous needs. Turtle Last night I saw a turtle; It looked like a grenade. I picked it up and threw it. No explosion was made. Pot Smoker (to the tune of 'Big Spender') The minute you walked in with a joint, I could tell that you were high on some resin; a real pot smoker. Good deal; well refined. You look like that stuff blew your mind. So let me get right to the point: I don't flip with normal passive smoke I breathe. Hey, pot smoker! Smoke a little pot with me. Reincarnation? If reincarnation really is true, Not lies made by a deceiver, Then why does nobody ever remember A life where they were an amoeba? Worms Worms are skinny, Worms are fat, They live in the ground, They live in the cat. Some can swim; None can fly. Chop them in half And they multiply. They have no legs, They cannot frown, They don't have necks, And they can't sit down. To sum up their use In a few choice words: They aerate the soil And feed the birds. Once 'upon' a time Once upon a time, There sat A rather small, Demented cat. It choked upon a prawn One night, And toppled off the time In fright. Flattened The story that is told By a severely flattened toad, Is of evidential failure In attempts to cross the road. The bee A bee flew by And hit my eye, Yesterday, at twelve. I wish it had been quicker, As I can't think of anything to rhyme with twelve. Lamentation for the snail I accidentally stepped upon Thou dost creep within the night; Damp ground and air to aid thy flight. The darkness keepeth thee from sight While on my lettuce thou dost bite And drape with slime. But thou hast crept too stealthily; And was not this the death of thee? For though it was too dark to see, A noise could have prevented me From crushing thee last night. Oh dear... The ending of the floor Has caught me unawares. This must be the reason Why I'm falling down the stairs. Capital Sounds Who could have thought that here Such delight can be found? On the causeway of St. Michael's Mount: Where cars run over whelks And make such splendid popping sounds. Tortoise Have you ever sniffed a tortoise, Or tasted one that's fried? Of course you might have said you did, But then you might have lied. Exuberance There's no spectacle, I'm sure, That can fill a man with glee, Such as forty plastic pelicans Floating in the sea. Wasp O wasp upon my window sill, How dull thy once dread sting! Thy presence brought foreboding Of the pain which thou couldst bring; And this caused me to cudgel thee, Thou wretched, wretched thing. Malaria I am a protozoa: Behold my polar rings! I luncheon on red blood cells, And do some wicked things. I am Apicomplexan, A parasitic breed. You know me as malaria, And I am vile indeed. Dead flies Dead flies Window currents Once had headaches from Misunderstanding of glass Without buzz Blown away With the breeze Too late the window opened Black things Crunchy things Filthy things I'll fetch the vacuum cleaner Chickens Chickens look peculiar, They feed on worms and seed, We eat so many of them It's a wonder they can breed. They scratch and cluck and peck all day, Or sit there laying eggs, They haven't got the faintest clue That people eat their legs. Chickens are all feathery, They strut about with pride, You couldn't eat a raw one, But they're great Kentucky-fried. Although chickens have got wings, No-one lets them fly, Instead we make them run around 'Cause we like chicken thigh. Chickens in the chicken-hut, Chickens in the yard, You can eat most of them, But their beaks are pretty hard. Monkeys On safari out in Africa, When I was just a child, We shot a monkey every day; It used to drive them wild. "May I shoot a monkey?" Was what everybody said. One couldn't find another Who did not want monkeys dead. But when one shoots a monkey One should really comprehend: That monkeys don't like being shot, It drives them 'round the bend. So after several months of Shooting monkeys every day, We realised quite suddenly We'd blown the lot away. Far and wide we searched for some, But, alas, all were dead. And we didn't have a thing to do So we shot frogs instead. Dipping one's toe in the worm nest Do worms have their own worm law? Do they squeal, shriek or roar? Are their nests of fluff or straw? And do they have a bathroom door? Have you seen a real worm nest? Dipped your toe in for a test? Would they welcome such a guest? Or would they just be unimpressed? When near the worm nest please beware. Where you are treading have a care. Ask the worms and they'll declare: One should not dip one's toe in there. Accidents can come in handy An elephant squashed a monkey, Over by the tree. It nonchallantly sat on him; Fiddle de diddle de dee. "Whoops", said the elephant; I didn't know he was there. Although, he'll do quite nicely As a little furry chair.